Balle & Co.: August 2012

So Mandy's little guy Jensen is, I think, a genius. Just feel like giving credit where credit is due. The kid knew pretty much all of his letters by the time he was two. It's not like any of us in the family push this, or feel it necessary, he just did it on his own. He just turned 5 at the end of June. He can read and write. He hasn't had a day of pre school and my sister doesn't really work with him. He'll either sound out a word and write it on his own or he'll ask for the spelling and you just have to spell it all out at once and he runs into the other room and writes it. Anyway- I think the boy is a genius. He also loves to draw and is pretty amazing. I don't know, you guys all have 5 year olds. Maybe this is typical. But since I can't even draw a train like this, I think he's amazing. These pictures aren't even his best ones.

He's got one train with smoke coming out the top and in the smoke he has written his name. But it's written backwards because of the way the train is headed. His logic is that they must come out backwards if the train heads that directions. He also has another train that is drawn on the diagonal and it's smaller in the back. Logic there is that its coming in from a distance. Then one afternoon he spent some time in the toy room at my moms and came out with this master piece. Cut, figured and taped with no one's help.

Ivan doesn't normally sit and draw. He did the other day and I was excited to see him at the kitchen table working so hard. "Oh Ivan, look at you. Whatcha drawing?"

Saddened by his reply, "It's a butt crack"
And we can't just stop with that.... "with poop coming out."

Oh well isn't that just lovely dear!
No, no it isn't! Where oh where did my sweet Ivan go?

Still, most of my thoughts during the day, since July 5th, are focused on little Carson and little Carson's family. I try to imagine how it must be to go on each day with this hole in your heart. Surrounded by your baby boys things, but not your baby boy. Hanging onto pictures and videos. Trying not to lose the feeling of holding and kissing that fat little face. Trying to find a "new normal" as Hilary put it. I haven't really jumped onto the facebook bandwagon, however I now find myself checking Mike's account each day to connect with Hilary and the thoughts she puts on there. A member in our ward commented to the Cheney's, after Carson's funeral, that he expected to go to the viewing to be a support to them, only to realize that they turned out to be the support to him. It's so true, for some odd reason. I guess that's why I like to talk to her and read what she has to say, because when you are morning for someone you are kinda left to your imagination on how it would actually feel or how to deal with it or what it's like. Being able to hear it from the family and see their strength is such a comfort. But really, we should be the comfort to them.

I hate to admit it, but lately I have had this downer view on this life. I do enjoy life and I've always felt like I've had the perfect life. My theme song has always been, "what a wonderful world," but I guess the last while there has been things that make me really stop to think and question the reasoning for all the suffering that is so ramped and real in this life. I think first off, having kids really intensifies the heartache you see and read about all around you. Then having my grandparents pass away over the last couple years has made death and what is on the other side more real to me. Then with losing my roommate I've tried to wrap my brain around how that can be part of the plan? For her husband and kids to lose her and also for her to leave her husband and 3 beautiful children and not get to raise them and enjoy this life with them. Then in the last year our ward has had 3 very heart breaking deaths. One neighbor committed suicide and left a beautiful wife and 4 darling children. I ache for them and I also ache for how he must have been feeling in this life which caused him to feel that he shouldn't be here anymore. Then our other neighbors who had to give their little 2 month old baby boy back to the heavens, after other pregnancy losses. Another friend of mine found out during her pregnancy that the baby wouldn't make it full term or they would lose him shortly after birth. He was born this month and lived a short 30 min, another momma hurting so! And Hilary having to give her little love back too. I don't know, it just seems like enough to make me start thinking this whole mortality thing isn't much fun. I never doubt the truthfulness of the gospel, but I'll admit, I have started to question the fairness of it.

BUT- I've learned a great deal from these families around me who have struggled. Not because they pick up and move on with a smile and no pain, grateful for the gospel and eternal families. But that they continue to love the gospel plan and have a greater love for the fact that families are eternal, DESPITE all the pain. The pain is still there and very real. However that doesn't mean you have to have negative feelings about mortality and the unfairness of it. Hilary has talked many times about how she can feel the support from the other side and sometimes it's the only thing that keeps her going. That doesn't mean it's easy to get out of bed in the morning. It doesn't mean that she won't probably live the rest of this life with a little emptiness and anxiousness to see her little boy again. It surely doesn't mean it's easy, but we are promised it is worth it. Hilary has always had this little bounce to her step, she may never fully get that back, but she's probably got a tighter bond with her husband and Bridger than some of us have from going through such a heart wrenching trial. She's probably felt closer to the Savior than I may feel in this life time as she literally relies on his support to make it through each day. She has the knowledge that soon she will have this same little guy, probably running this same way as they greet again on the other side!

All of this has been a great lesson for me. I'm amazed at her continued commitment to the gospel. Watching her and hearing more and more about little Carson's life and who he was, actually makes me want to be a better mom and person. I look into the eyes of my kids more, as Hilary has suggested we do.They've had missionary opportunities with family since his funeral. Other people in the ward have has missionary opportunities because of his death. What we must lose in order for another to gain. I'd say they must be a special, special family.